


Once a Radar Technician

by ironicHeadtilt



Series: Coke-Bottle Glasses [1]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Comedy, M/M, Not Serious, Parody, Satire, glasses!hux
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-19
Updated: 2016-02-19
Packaged: 2018-05-21 22:16:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6060022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ironicHeadtilt/pseuds/ironicHeadtilt
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When a hot blond radar technician encounters a fiery red-headed General, this star-killer base becomes a playground of rivalry and desire.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once a Radar Technician

**Author's Note:**

> This is a parody. If ur looking for smut, I'm real sorry there's none in this particular fanfic.

Matt nuddled down the hallway, glaring at the floor just ahead of his feet, mesmerized by the morphing tile. The glasses he was wearing were real and weren't his. He really couldn't see with them on. They fucked up his vision too much. He'd had a hard time seeing the whole day. They were hurting the bridge of his nose, too. Whoever the glasses actually belonged to, Matt decided, had a ridiculously small nose bridge.

His shoulder bumped against the wall. He panicked, over-corrected and rammed into someone coming down the hall the other way. His glasses flew off. He dove for them with a yelp. The other person fell onto their side dramatically.

Matt was on his knees and expertly finding his glasses and putting them back on his face. Hux stared at him from the floor, one hip against the floor because he was on his side on the floor. They looked at each other for a beat. Hux opened his mouth to speak.

“Hi. I'm Matt,” Matt quickly and monotonically introduced himself, attempting to jump to his feet without using his hands. It kinda worked. “I'm a radar technician.”

“Excuse me,” Hux said, picking his pad off the floor and getting to his feet with a huff. “I don't believe I ordered new radar technicians.”

“Uh, yes, we- you did. I am here.” Matt looked down at Hux, swallowing. “I work on radars.”

“Right, okay. Where are you going?” Hux adjusted his outfit, straightening out. Matt licked his lips and tasted salt.

“Kylo Ren needed to talk to me.”

“He needed to talk to you?”

“Yes. I am going to his room.”

“He's not in his room.”

“Oh. Were you in his room?”

“No.” Hux stared blankly at Matt. Matt stared blankly back. Matt skirted past Hux and headed towards Kylo Ren’s room. Hux followed closely behind. “What are you doing?”

“I'm going to see if Kylo Ren is in his room.”

“He's not there.”

“I'm checking there first then I'm checking the gym because he's probably in there because he's always in there getting ripped.”

“You should just check the gym. He's not in his room.”

They arrived at Kylo Ren’s room and the door was slightly open. Matt slid in and found Kylo Ren’s robes on Kylo Ren's bed and the rest of the contents of Kylo Ren’s closet on the floor.

“What were you doing?” Matt asked.

“I was trying to find Kylo Ren.”

“Why were you touching Kylo Ren's stuff?”

“I didn't touch his stuff.” Hux’s face tinted pink as his eyes flicked from the black robe on Kylo Ren's bed to Matt’s pocked face. “What's Kylo Ren wearing?”

“What?”

“That's his clothes.”

“And?”

“If his clothes are here, what's he wearing?” Hux kept a straight face. Matt’s expression didn't change.

“Kylo Ren doesn't work out in his sacred vintage Sith robes.” Matt’s hand hovered awkwardly over the robes before falling back to his side. Hux waited uncomfortably.

“I lost my contacts.” Hux admitted, clearing his throat. “And I can’t find my glasses.”

Matt nodded his head. He shuffled his feet. “Were you looking for them in Kylo Ren’s room?”

“Yes.”

“I must leave.” Matt said, “There's a radar emergency.”

“I thought you were trying to find Kylo Ren.”

“It’s a radar emergency.”

“There are other radar technicians.”

Matt wasn't actually leaving. He was standing in the middle of the room possessively. Hux narrowed his eyes at him.

“Can I see some identification?” Hux asked. Matt pulled out a small rectangular piece of card stock. Hux held it close to his eyes, then far from his eyes, then maybe in better lighting. He handed it back to Matt with a sniff. “You don’t have clearance to be in Kylo Ren’s room. You should leave before I call security.”

“You were rifling through Kylo Ren’s personal effects, which is foolish since Kylo Ren notices everything.”

Hux didn't respond.

“A friend of mine,” Matt continued, “once rifled through Kylo Ren’s things and Kylo Ren knew immediately and Kylo Ren had to kill him. Kylo Ren already knows you went through his stuff.”

“That's ridiculous.”

“Kylo Ren is a finely tuned machine, highly sensitive to changes in his environment even from a distance. Beg for mercy. Now.”

“What?”

“Beg for mercy and Kylo Ren might spare you.” Matt waited. Hux struggled visibly. “Get on your knees.” Hux did so and Matt stood over him, then leaned down, growled: “You disgust Kylo Ren with your disgraceful actions and bad attitude.”

Hux’s open face was tilted up towards Matt. His eyes were wide and watery and not particularly focused on Matt’s face. He blinked a lot. Matt placed a ginger kiss on his thin nose then slapped the fuck shit out of him.

Hux tried to shield himself with his arms, but Matt’s barrage was heavy, his hands and forearms making contact repeatedly, and Hux ended up curled up in the floor. Matt began kicking him.

“Get out of Kylo Ren's room!” Matt was pushing Hux out the door with his leg. Hux protested, twisting and getting to his feet.

“You're going to get my uniform all dirty scraping it across the floor like that!” Hux fervently swiped at his clothes.

“Leave!” Matt threw an oblong object at Hux’s head. It hit him and bounced off his forehead with a dull thud. Hux caught it in his hands before it hit the floor.

“Is… Is this Kylo Ren’s lightsaber?”

“Yes! Give it back!”

“Are you serious?” Matt tried to swipe it back but missed. Hux grabbed Matt by the elbow, yanked it up, got a pretty good hold on him. Matt pushed him really hard, Hux thought, because he ended up pressed against the wall of the hall outside Kylo Ren’s room. Matt's forearm was horizontal across Hux’ chest and invading the base of Hux’s throat.

“Security-” Hux’s arm comm violently shorted out before he could finish. “Fuck you.”

Matt released Hux and ran back into Kylo Ren’s room. Hux stumbled forward but didn't get to the door before it was slammed shut in his face. Hux tried to open it to no avail.

Matt was bumping around in there doing something base; so it sounded to Hux. Hux cleared his throat and fixed his collar. He looked at his comm and couldn't immediately tell what was wrong with it. Matt continued to do whatever he was doing in Kylo Ren's room.

Hux didn't know if he could find the nearest wall-comm. He glanced up and down the hall. He knew there was one somewhere in the vicinity, but the comms were black and the walls were also black and also the hallways were poorly lit. He moved his foot and it hit something. He bent down and swayed his hand around until it hit an object. He had dropped Kylo Ren's lightsaber when he’d hit the wall. He picked it up now and measured the usefulness of his options.

Hux was chest-up against the wall, his hands searching feelingly for the comm. He worked slowly down the hall, cursing himself and feeling ridiculous. He wished he'd used the wall-comm more. Then he’d know where it was. He was much too reliant on his arm-comm.

His fingers jammed against a plastic box. He excitedly felt all sides of it.

“Kylo Ren,” Hux said into the box after hailing Kylo Ren’s device. It was the only device number he knew off the top of his head. There was a rustling but no response. Hux repeated Kylo Ren’s name, his face a deep florid color.

“What?” Kylo Ren was out of breath. He was probably at the gym. Hux felt like he had the upper hand here.

“A low-level radar technician has made it his business to steal your things and destroy your room. You should see to it that your authority isn't usurped by some out-of-control demotic slacker-degenerate.”

There was more breathing and rustling. Hux waited.

“Matt is my personal assistant. Matt is more important than you. Don't talk to Matt.”

“You have a secretary?”

“Assistant- he’s my assistant.” Kylo Ren paused. “What did he steal?”

“Well, he tried to steal your light-sword but I got it back. I have it.” A ripping static sound came from the comm. Hux waited a moment. “Kylo Ren?”

A different device hailed the wall-comm. Hux answered it.

“I need you to put the lightsaber in front of Ky- my room and then leave.” Kylo Ren still sounded out of breath.

“That seems a little dangerous.”

“It’s my lightsaber and I’m telling you to put it in front of the door to my room.”

“Why can’t I just take it to you? Where are you right now?” There was another, longer pause.

“I am in a top secret training facility you don’t even know about. Just leave it at the door.”

“I designed this ship. How do I not know about this training facility?” Hux was looking at the door to Kylo Ren’s room. Hux thought about the lock, about how cheaply the locks were made. “I could try to put it IN your room instead.”

“What? No. Do not try to do that.”

“I think I can break in.”

“Do not break my door, Jesus Christ. Just take the stairs to the gym.”

“You're in the gym?”

“Yes.”

“Why take the stairs?”

“Because the elevator is broken. Take the stairs.”

“How-” The comm was static.

Hux took his finger off the button. He heaved a sigh before turning and going down the hall, heels clicking on the linoleum.

Kylo Ren peaked out of Kylo Ren's room. He watched Hux’s straight back as it retreated down the hall. As soon as Hux turned the corner, Kylo Ren followed silently behind him, getting to the end of the hall in long strides, tucking himself against the corner where the wall met nothing and peering around it inconspicuously.

Hux casually pressed the down button for the elevator and the elevator immediately appeared. Hux boarded it and the door slid closed behind him. Kylo Ren had to bite his finger to control his emotions.

Kylo Ren sprinted towards the stairs and jumped down flights at a time. He tripped into the walls, but used that to his advantage to propel himself down another flight of stairs and into another wall which he would also use to his advantage, like a pinball flying down these steps. He landed on his destined level with an airy thump, shoes squeaking as he took off again.

He knew the general direction of the gym because he'd been there once, but he hadn't taken the stairs to get there so it was going to be impossible to navigate. Kylo Ren spotted a couple of stormtroopers making their rounds. They saw him running and backed off quick. Kylo Ren force grabbed them and slammed them against the wall.

“WHERE’S THE GYM?” The trooper pointed at a sign that said GYM that pointed down a hall that went to the right. Kylo Ren saw it, lifted both troopers higher into the air, and threw them down the hall the opposite way he was rushing.

Like the glowing light of a holy sacristy, the gym’s fluorescent light dusted the air around the doorway at the end of a hallway before a glisteningly sweaty Kylo Ren. He sprinted full-tilt, arms pumping as he entered the gym floor unceremoniously. A few masked troopers in otherwise regular gym clothes looked briefly up from their complicated machines. The door on the opposite wall produced a relaxed Hux as Kylo Ren, out of breath, threaded himself into the closest piece of equipment. He ended up spread-eagle, his legs held up by padded stirrups. He felt there was no possible way he was positioned correctly. Hux found him.

“Kylo Ren,” Hux said, trying his damnedest to keep his eyes on Kylo Ren’s face. He failed, and had to cover his face and snicker into his hand. He recovered quickly, holding out Kylo Ren’s lightsaber. Kylo Ren snatched it up. Hux wasn't finished though. “Is this what you usually wear to work out?”

Kylo Ren was wearing a white tank top and a white knee-length white slip over white boxers. Hux bit his lips, raising his eyebrows.

“Yes. Is there anything else you want to talk to me about? Maybe something worth my time?” Kylo Ren tried to move something, anything, but the machine was working against him. He held his ground.

“No. No, this is fine.” Hux put his hand on Kylo Ren's knee, patting it condescendingly. “I'll leave you to it.”

Kylo Ren steamed. Hux semi-turned to leave then came back.

“Oh, the elevator wasn't broken, by the way,” Hux continued, “I'm not sure what gave you that idea. Thank God I checked.”

Hux then skipped out of the gym. The troopers eyed Kylo Ren nervously. Kylo Ren was quiet, his eyes unfathomable.

He activated his lightsaber with an abrupt course of light and began hacking away at the metal surrounding him until he’d slumped to the floor; then he got up and continued to violently and methodically hack it up until it was a bigger pile of absolutely useless shit it already had been.

Kylo Ren then moved to the machine next over and destroyed it in half the time. He ran through the two piles he’d made, kicking the loose bits around until they were both completely unrecognizable as previously functioning objects. The troopers watched him. They looked at each other, got up, and left.

Hux, walking back to the elevator, wiped tears of joy from his eyes, still having a good chuckle, and grabbed the two nearest security personnel to accompany him back to Kylo Ren's room to rough up Matt, whether he was Kylo Ren's secretary or not.

Hux didn't stop being tickled the whole elevator ride, randomly tittering from behind the two others on board, who exchanged expressionless glances. Hux stepped onto his level, the officers following, and approached Kylo Ren's closed bedroom door. He tapped on it twice with his middle knuckle. There was no response. Hux stepped to the side and gestured to the door with a tilt of his head. The door was kicked in. Hux walked in after the two men.

“No one here, sir.” One called from the bathroom. Hux nodded curtly. He knew Matt would run. He knew it was too late to do anything about it either. Matt had won this round.

“You’re dismissed.” The two left. Hux sat down on the bed. His fingers found thin metal strips that he'd partially sat on. He lifted them to his eyes, then put them on his face. His Coke-bottle glasses were even worse than he'd remembered.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm definitely adding onto this via related but separate fanfics in a series. It's already basically in the works.


End file.
